The Twenty-Five Most Common Causes of Death
in the U.S.A.
Do you ever think about death? Do you ever wonder how you are most likely to die? Deaths occur all the time and yet few know the exact main causes. There is obvious justification that is necessary in order for the occurrence of deaths that occur in the United States each year. These deaths can be directly attributed to specifics, as the numbers and types can be categorized in functional terms that can be understood by the average American. Numbers are specified for cities, counties, and states in singular terms and then arranged in order for cumulative totals to be calculated.
There is no singular method that cannot be combined with others in order to understand the magnitude and scope that is precise and notable. As the numbers emerged from all reporting stations, those numbers were combined with other numbers in order to come up with the most accurate ones possible. It slowly became clear that there were some emerging forms of death that were far more statistically common than others. And there were others that were far less common and yet at the same time more obvious and less notable.
The information below was obtained and divided into categories that would ultimately result in a list of the most common causes of death in the United States of America. What follows are twenty-five ways that most people currently die in our country. It is our hope that this list will promote further mutual understanding of the necessary functions that most Americans are capable of delivering if they are given sufficient intent and delivery.
#1. Failure of Movement.
Failure of movement is by far the most common way in which the average American can expect to die. According to more than a dozen studies performed by Dr. Anthony de LaNauzer, when an individual stops moving they are seven times more likely to die than a person who continues moving around. This finding was further justified by verified studies performed by the American Society for Frequent Analysis of Proper Statistical Studies. In simple community terms, the doctors found a direct correlation between moving and living. In short, if you move you live. If you do not move, you die. More than 11.3 million Americans died last year because they stopped moving. This is a serious problem that deserves further investigation in order to come up with additional numbers and figures.
#2. Fatal Accidents.
A startling number of fatal accidents occur in our country each and every year. And these fatal accidents usually result in one or more individuals losing their lives. Fatal accidents don't just occur on streets and highways. They also occur on playgrounds and in workplaces. But the most likely place is, of course, the home. Fatal accidents are one of the leading causes of death in the United States and yet they are often not cited because of various reasons. Blood can often be involved, but broken bones may also be part of the equation. There is often a failure to communicate immediately after an accident occurs because the individuals involved are usually upset or ashamed. After one fatal accident occurs, it is very likely that another will occur within seven days according to current statistical information that has been gathered by important people.
#3. Expressing Opinions.
Many may not realize it but expressing opinions presents a real and serious danger for all individuals. And it doesn't matter what the subject is or which side of the fence you are on. Expressing how you feel about anything can often be quite fatal. Let's consider a case study now. Case Studies always make everything easy to understand for people who have difficulty understanding easy things.
Case Study 34-978b. Lopsy's big mistake.
Lopsy was a very popular shy beauty queen living right in the middle of a huge bustling city. She had many fans and admirers and her life was a gas. Despite her public persona, she was actually a very shy and private person. One day while appearing on a television talk show she suddenly decided to express her true feelings on a range of topics. The conversation went well, or so she thought. But upon leaving the television studio Lopsy met with a hard fall on the sidewalk and smashed her head open. Her brains squeezed out all over the place and she died instantly. The medical examiner could not come up with a specific reason for her death. But you and I and everyone else know what caused it. Lopsy expressed her opinions. And then she died because of it.
#4. Recording Synthetic Hit Singles.
All people must learn that all their actions have repercussions. To believe otherwise is foolish and unrealistic. There are many in the music industry who believe the most important thing is creating music that sells. As such, there has been a huge proliferation of synthetic hit singles over the past few decades. What is perhaps most peculiar is that people love the stuff. It's like eating cotton candy. You think it tastes good while you're eating it but seconds later you feel sick and want to vomit. But can recording hit songs that people love actually be lethal? Read Case Study #93-243c (below). Then you be the judge.
Case Study #93-243c. The Case of Syntie Oblique.
Syntie Oblique (commonly known as Synt) was well on her way to becoming a huge superstar. There was no disputing the fact. She had lots of fans all over the world who followed her every move. She was charismatic and magnetic. And boy could she dance. But even though people seemed to adore her, for some reason she just could not score a hit single. One day Synt hooked up with a cookie cutter composer who wrote lots of hit songs for other huge celebrities. The man suggested they co-write and record a song that was sure to top the charts. Synt accepted the offer, of course. Less than two months later she had a Number One hit single and her popularity was going through the roof. She set out on a sellout tour so she could perform for all of adoring fans. But right before she stepped out on the stage for her first big concert she collapsed and died instantly.
Is it bad to feel good? Or is it good to feel bad? Both have a great deal in common, although very few realize what the differences are. People often say they seek contentment in their lives. They say they want to feel content with their home, their occupation, and their soul mate. But is contentment really all it is cracked up to be? Perhaps not, as is explored by the very real Case Study below.
Case Study 51-218a. Lanny and Lorene.
Even though Lanny and Lorene were only in their twenties, they already had everything. They had a beautiful home. They both had jobs that they enjoyed. And, most importantly, they had each other. At this point in his life, Lanny was completely content with everything. And so was Lorene. One morning during breakfast both Lanny and Lorene began bleeding profusely. They could not figure out what was causing the bleeding. They could not make it stop. They tried to call an ambulance but their efforts were in vain. Before they knew it, they both fell unconscious and expired. When the police found their bodies they found it strangely puzzling that there were smiles on the faces of both corpses.
#6. Doing Good Deeds.
Have you ever done a good deed? It made you feel good, didn't it? But did you know that doing good deeds on a regular basis will kill you? Not only that, but such actions could also result in you becoming the subject in a Case Study. And even though you might think that is a great thing because there is a lot of fame associated with it...there is a serious price to pay for the privilege. Consider your Case Study below.
Case Study 72-438a. You Done Good Thing.
Let's suppose you done a good thing one day. The next day you remember that good thing and you decide to do another one. And then the next day you do yet another good thing. You keep doing good things for several days in a row and you sincerely believe that the things you are doing are beneficial in some way or another. But are they really? Do you know what is actually happening inside your body? When we do good things, our corpuscles secrete substances called planchners. These teeny tiny things start growing and growing and before you know it they eat up all the of the material in your cells. Once your cells start getting eat up by the planchners there's not a whole lot you can do. Eventually you will curl up into a ball and begin to decompose. Decomposition is the state in which the body gets ruined by planchners eating out your cells. Once you are decomposed completely, you won't do much of anything anymore. And this is your ultimate fate for simply doing a few good things.
#7. Becoming an Activist.
More and more people opt to get involved and stand up for what they believe in But unfortunately they may not realize that this involvement is drastically shortening their lifespan. The next time you consider standing up for what you believe in, refer to the Case Study below.
Case Study 65-428a. The Fate of Bob.
Bob was an average guy in his mid forties who was well-liked in his community. He never discussed hot topics, opting instead to keep all conversations on a very light level. But one morning he woke up and decided to get involved. He looked at everything that was happening and then immediately joined several organizations that were focused on change. It wasn't very long before Bob found that he was spending most of his time attending group sessions, rallies, and protests. But then one day while he was driving he accidentally sped off the side of a cliff and fell more than 500 feet to his death on a large pile of boulders. Let this be a teaching moment for us all.
#8. Wishing Upon a Star.
We all have dreams. Dreams about love. Dreams about the future. Dreams about everything. Dreams are helpful in some ways because they provide motivation and direction. But can your dreams actually destroy you? Well of course they can. Looking to the stars and wishing was once a thoughtful and sincere thing. But over time it has morphed into a horrible evil activity that can only end in a bad way. Consider the Case Study below.
Case Study 38-128b. The Study of Wong.
Wong was undeniably cute. She had lofty dark hair and an aura that was impossible to ignore. Her parents were very proud of her. They were always encouraging her to do her very best. One day Wong watched a movie in which the lead character wished upon a star and then got what they wished for. She decided to do the same. That night Wong stared up at the brightest star in the sky and wished with all her might. She wished and wished and wished and wished. The next day a huge truck ran over her, entirely crushing her skull and backbone.
#9. A Balanced Diet.
You know what food is. You eat food. You know when you eat food because you eat it all up. And you know when you do not eat food because there is food that does not get eaten. You have probably heard the phrase "You are what you eat." Do you know what the phrase means? It means that food has an impact on your body and who you are. There is no better way to get to the real truth than to examine an excellent Case Study. So without further delay, here one is.
Case Study 17-237g. The Case of Big Ronnie.
Big Ronnie was a big man. He was so big that he often could not fit into things, even when he was in the mood to fit. Ronnie ate all the wrong things. He liked sugar and bacon. But he also liked junk food and processed desserts. He ate tons of ice cream and candy every day and he loved all of it. His friends found it rather amazing that Ronnie never seemed to have even the slightest health issues. To put it simply, Big Ronnie was as healthy as a nurse. A hog nurse. A big strong hog nurse with muzzle pronouncers. But one day Ronnie watched a television program about healthy eating. He immediately changed his diet and began eating really healthy foods. Three days later a huge lion broke into his living room and ate him all the way up. Just goes to show where eating good food will get you.
#10. Spending Time With Loved Ones.
According to Aristotle, spending time with those you love is "...detrimental in the big scheme of things because no one really loves anyone else anyway." In the Book of Orion, Jesus once said "those who are closest to you are, in fact, bad people who despise you and want to make you fail." These two examples provide enough of a lead here so let's go right to the goddamn Case Study because that's what is most important anyway.
Case Study 42-396d. Lonely Little Cha-Cha Gravel.
Little Cha-Cha Gravel lived all by itself in a little niche somewhere outside the boundaries of stuff. One day Cha-Cha opened its front door and found all of its closest family members and friends all huddled outside. Cha-Cha invited everyone inside and began serving warm marmalade and pork patties to everyone. It was a fine gathering indeed. It was, at least, until a huge 3,000 pound iron safe fell from the sky right on top of everyone. No one survived.
#11. Adopting a Child.
According to Shakespeare, "the act of adopting a keen and wonderful child is enough to make even the most devoted individuals turn all rafty and plopped up forever." In explaining the quote, he stated that, "There ain't no reason to explain nothing, you jerks. Read some of my boring shitty plays if you want answers." Have you ever adopted a child? It felt strange when you were filled with regret the next day, didn't it? Do you remember how angry you felt? Do you remember what life was like before you were burdoned with a needy little lump that didn't really appreciate anything you did for it? Study the Case Study below for more information.
Case Study 12-377d. The Adoption of Mud Gown
Ms. Cindy never wanted children. But as she got older and realized she could no longer reproduce she suddenly decided she did want children after all. So Ms. Cindy went to an adoption agency and invited Mud Gown into her life. On the first day they spent together, Ms. Cindy thought she had made a good decision. But on the second day Mud Gown pushed her into a well and drowned her. It would be wise to study this Case Study several times before coming to any conclusions. And that is because the ultimate conclusion has yet to be determined. But you might want to make a point of remembering that adopted children always murder their parents.
#12. Providing Content for Websites.
Creating content for websites is a bad thing, but nobody has to do it. Do you know what happens to people who write and draw? Or make photographs and videos? Do you have any idea at all what happens to them? Read the Case Study already. Read the goddamn Case Study below so that you will understand what is going to happen to you.
Case Study 97-238g. The Case of Dampnette and the Rondo-pop.
Dampnette was bad for a whole day. But when it ate some good food it felt better. One afternoon Dampnette combined with Rondo-pop and a new era began. The era was filled with hope and despair, but there was something more common happening than was originally expected. The content they provided was not very good. As a result, they were fired with a huge hot blowtorch and sucked into a black hole. They never returned.
#13. Riding a Bicycle.
You are Good Baby. Very Good Baby. Baby ride bicycle slow. Then Baby ride bicycle fast. Baby want Case Study now? Baby want Case Study really really bad? Here is Case Study. Good Baby get Case Study right now.
Case Study 63-087a. The Bicycle That Was Mad.
Once upon a time there was a bicycle that was real mad at everyone. But even though, it was a really beautiful bicycle that everyone wanted to ride and no one knew how mad it was. But the bicycle secretly had plans for everyone that rode it. Each time someone rode the bicycle it would take them to a big incinerator and throw them inside where they were immediately burned to ashes. The bicycle threw more than three thousand people to their demise before it was apprehended and disassembled. It was a very mean bicycle for sure. But at least it did what it wanted to do. And because of this, it ultimately became the central focal point of a Case Study. That bicycle is now a legend.
#14. Learning New Things.
Leaning new things is the way that things are made to happen. Have you ever learned anything? Do you remember what learning felt like? When we learn new things we forget old things. And when we remember the old things again, we sometimes remember that we forget the newer ones. Did you know that learning new things can kill you? When you learn you flirt with death. And when you flirt with death, you face the ultimate consequences.
Case Study 11-744k. Smart Mr. Plopschnitt.
Mr. Plopschnitt never knowed how to read good. He had spent his whole life reading bad and finally got tired of it. "I can be SMART if I learn to read good!" he told his friends. So he tried and tried and finally he was able to read as good as anybody ever could. He decided to read books that would help him to learn all kinds of new things. His base of knowledge was growing in leaps and bounds when all of a sudden he fell over dead. That's what you get when you learn new things. You also learn how to die.
#15. Overcoming Obstacles.
Obstacles are things that get caught on the sides of other things and are difficult to remove. They are like particles on a seashell, except the shell that exists is never reserved for those who need it. When an individual overcomes an obstacle they themselves become the obstacle. When an obstacle no longer serves a purpose, it is destined to become deserted and mushed up. You can hear the sound of a Case Study coming soon. And oh my gosh here it is right now.
Case Study 99-221w. The Case of Studdie.
Studdie was a strapped up old hefty woman who always knew what she wanted and usually found a way to get it fast. She never faced anything that she could not face. And more than anything in the world, she loved overcoming goddamn hurdles. One day she faced the most huge and incredible obstacle of her entire life. Instead of running from it, she faced it head on and decided she could overcome it. But she could not. All of a sudden a big bad dog appeared out of nowhere and went chomp chomp chomp and ate her all the way up.
#16. Getting in Touch With People From the Present.
Have you ever thought about getting in touch with someone from the present? Lots of people do this when they don't have anything else to do. And other people think about doing it but never do. There's a lot that can happen when you contact someone from the present. They can like you. They can hate you. They can refuse to talk to you. They can laugh at you. But, most of all, they can already be gone. And then you don't have any choice except to not get back in touch with them unless you want to try some stupid spiritual back-from-the-dead crap where you can reach them on some other dumb level. You feel crummy most of the time now. Here comes another one of those little story-type things now about some abstract character named Chunkpock.
Case Study 19-444a. The Case of Chunkpock.
Chunkpock decided to get in touch with a girl it was currently dating. It found the girl's phone number and called her. But before she could answer the phone a huge dark figure appeared and waved a large paw over it. The movement of the paw caused its life force to leave its body and retreat far, far, far into the sky. Afterward, there was only a stupid little pile of dust where Chunkpock once stood. And that was the end of that.
The leaders of exercise would have you believe that it is a miracle cure for everything. They would also like to take your money in exchange for the promise of health and well-being. But it is all a lie. Exercise is nothing and it does nothing. When you exercise, you waste away parts of your body that would be better spent on something else. Exercise is a very wrong mistake that you make when you are desperately searching for something real.
Case Study 42-396d. The Case Starring Lorrybon.
Lorrybon was obsessed with getting fragrances out of her life. She knew that corporations had conspired to poison her with nice smells integrated into just about every product in her home. She spent more and more of her time and money trying to find things that did not stink. But the more she tried to get rid of the stink, the more it seemed to permeate her home. Just when she felt she was at the end of her rope she began to exercise. She exercised and exercised and exercised some more. And then a big rabid Gorilla appeared out of nowhere and ripped her completely in half.
Intimacy is ridiculous. Everyone acts like they want it. But once they get it they no longer want it and they want something else. It's a big racket associated with a lie called love. The fact that neither exists pushes real emotion so far into the background that no one hears or fears anything. When you get close to another human being, you are asking for disappointment. Disappointment because the intimacy you feel is shallow, fake, and pointless. But don't despair. There is so much to live for. The world is a very beautiful and interesting place. And yet it is so easy to forget just how tiny and pointless we all are.
Case Study 33-444c. The Case of Romp.
Romp was never close to no one. And no one ever wanted to get close to Romp. But one day that all changed and Romp suddenly loved intimacy. And the reason he loved it was because he felt that it somehow justified how ultimately pointless the act of reproduction was. The idea of intimacy made him feel more wanted and needed when the truth was that no one ever really wanted or needed him at all. But he continued enjoying intimacy because he had nothing else going on in his life. He had intimacy on Monday. And then he had intimacy on Tuesday. And he continued having intimacy just about every day of the week. Everything would have been fine and dandy but one fine day a huge meteor suddenly fell from the sky and crushed him into an unintelligible pile of warm red mush.
#19. Playing With Balls.
"The games we play determine how pathetic we ultimately become." -- Randy Plantron-Bok.
When Plantron-Bok made this statement, there was nothing he could have predicted so wisely as the things that never came to be. And yet the games that he created for everyone became far more popular than he himself would ever be. He invented tennis. And then he invented baseball. And then followed up by inventing ping-pong, football, volleyball, soccer, and more. As people began playing with balls, they began to notice a strange sickness growing inside of them. The expanding balls of sickness eventually became the next new sport that everyone wanted to play.
Case Study 90-111a. The Case of Poodle Ball.
No one had never heard of no Poodle Ball before. But before they all knowed what was happening it was suddenly the most biggest thing in the entire world. Everyone was suddenly playing Poodle Ball. And everyone was suddenly talking about Poodle Ball. People were making billions and billions of dollars from people who had become obsessed with the insanely fun new sport. Yes, Poodle Ball was instantly popular everywhere with everyone all at the same time (as usual). Poodles. Balls. It seemed as if that's all there was for six months straight. Eventually there was the biggest Poodle Ball tournament of all in a gigantic stadium that held 750,000 people. They were all huddled together, anticipating the big game. But before the game could begin a huge sinkhole opened up underneath them and they were all swallowed into a dark void that went 300 miles straight down. None of them were ever seen or heard from again.
Scientists keep telling us how important sleep is. But scientists lie. They lie just like everyone else because they just want to make money. You don't need sleep and it doesn't need you. Read the Place Nutty (below) that provides pure and positive proof.
Place Nutty 75-2223. The Place of Shuteye.
The Place of Shuteye never got no sleep. But then one day it got a whole lot of sleep, all in one night. The next morning it woke up to a group of outer space things who were pointing space guns at it. They shot Place of Shuteye and it disintegrated. Have you noticed a pattern that keeps repeating itself? See what getting enough sleep does?
#21. Getting in Touch With Your True Feelings.
According to Nobel Prize Winner Larry Branchlet, "Getting in touch with your true feelings is one of the stupidest things anyone can do even if there are various factors that matter a whole lot." Leading scientist Dr. Loadie Perch once said that true feelings "are frivolous and rotten because they show all kinds of crummy things right out in the open." In case you ain't been won over yet, read the Punch Putty (below) and you will see. You will see what things really is now.
Punch Putty 15-722a. The Punch of Rita.
Rita hit herself over the head with pots and pans. It helped her to be successful and smart. She taught others to do things when she had time, but she usually didn't have any time left. One day she adopted a little pig and named it True Feelings. She got in touch with the pig and made it worry. When the pig worried it made weird sounds that resembled songs. But unfortunately they were songs of death. Rita listened to one song very intently and then she stopped living. She stopped living because True Feelings had done sung her his little pig song of death.
Dreams kill. They kill everyone who dreams them. Dreams about bells and clouds is worst because they make brains get all clogged up with distorted slop. Did you ever dream something and then never wake up? Do you remember how that felt? Did you ever forget something you dreamed for the hell of it? Don't you ever do anything? Do you mash things up and then forget that you mashed them? Do you get upset most of the time? There are reasons you feel weak and inferior. Stash the Slumber Bitty (below) for slappy trash.
Slumber Bitty 34-444w. The Slumber of Pronoun.
Pronoun was a lounger and a binge pucker. It made slaw all day long sometimes. One day it lost the mind it had and skipped way down the hill to a manger place. When it got there it was all damp and snorky. The village folks all huddled around and watched. Pronoun began to glow an eerie blue color. Everyone had amazement at it. They formed a big circle with Pronoun in the middle and chanted. The chant was slow and soft and it made Pronoun purr like a woozer. Then they all flipped over and died real quick like hamburger patties with melted cheese.
#23. College Degrees.
College degrees is bad. They don't help nobody achieve nothing. They is the promise of security and yet in actuality they is the hollow crop that provides nothing. A load of stupid will get you a lot farther along in your life than any degree ever could. When you learn a great deal about any specific topic you become less and less of a real person. The degree that you obtain will make you retreat into a coma and never return. The price for a return is ten times what it would be if there had never been any plastic advantage to begin with.
Munch Munch 90-009d. The Munch of Plit.
Plit was bird. It was bird with pretty on top of head. It not fly because wing too small. So Plit sat on top of hill and think. It think about what is. And it think about what was. Plit not so smart but Plit was pretty bird. So everyone rub it head. That make Plit feel good. When it feel good it vibrate and shimmer. That nice thing for all lovely wonderful. It start to live more now. And that because Plit feel satisfactory with positive on hill. There was plenty peace and nurture for all involvement. And hey...why use bad grammar on purpose? Won't that to make people think you is stupid? And won't that make article not attractive and good for engine of searching?
#24. Sitting on Porches.
Sitting on porches is lethal. No case study is necessary here.
Scientists combined years of reliable studies and statistical results and finally came to the conclusion that all individuals who currently die in the United States have one thing in common. Before they died they were living. This was true with people of all ages, races, and genders. As a result, they found that death can be prevented simply by not living in the first place. Think of it as a way of opting out. What people must do is think before they live. The think that is there becomes four strums on stink guitar. And that guitar gets broke and rusted because there ain't nowhere for it to plow no more. When guitar turn up loud it make no room for other sound. When all other sound get reducing, is time for happy pillow bitch to snip and nibble. The snip of Boo remains the last and final of the ways for porch nob. We blop individual lives, then all body produce protein called endomeopathine. Endomeopathine is lethal protein that combine with embryonic cell of nucleus to stop production of necessary stuff that ought to happen but don't. It is eventual for endomeopathine to take over for complete and control duration of life span.
Big Happy Case Study 42-396d. The Opt of Happy Prize.
You get Big Happy Prize for opting out. Big Happy Prize is large extra bonus points. You good person who deserve bonus. So bonus is thing for deserving. When nothing seem good, you now have able to view Prize and remember. You remember when won and remember extra bonus. You watch as shiny crown glow over head. That make you important and big. When you now big with crown of glow, you more importance for respect.
THEM IS THE ONES THAT IS
Them is the ones that is and that was started beginning. All twenty-five of them. Now you know what is and you can learn. Then learn more about you too because Case Study involve all. Bitties dance and spin in the twinkly stars. And stars sprinkle bag limits for perpetual ship brows. End await but no longer. Wait for thing and then swat away for infinite. Your name Witch Potato and my name Crud Production. We claw at slight edge of large thing until big enough for consume with plenty extra dilly pod.
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