Jokes by LMNOP aka dONW7

Michael Jackson Jokes ~ Miscellaneous Jokes ~ Pregnancy Jokes ~ Story Jokes


Miscellaneous Jokes


Q: What kind of things are stupid?

A: Stupid things.


Q: How many miles are there in a mile?

A: One.


Q: When do you know that you have become an adult?

A: When you have become jaded, sarcastic, bitter, and resentful.


Q: When should you put something in a blender?

A: When you want it to be blended.


Q: Why are people selfish, thoughtless, and ignorant?

A: Because that's the way they were made.


Q: Who loses in the end?

A: Everyone.


Q: Why does everyone make such a big fuss about sex?

A: Because it's an indication of how dull and shallow they are.


Q: What do responsible adults tend to be?

A: Irresponsible.


Q: Who leads?

A: Losers.


Q: What should we do about the environment?

A: Nothing.


Q: When should men and women come out of the closet?

A: Never.


Q: Do people really have control over their own lives?

A: No.


Q: What did God create first?

A: Corn dogs.


Q: If you are very very good, what will Santa Clause bring you?

A: A slice of cheese.


Q: What it do?

A: Whatever it want do.


Q: Who makes bad choices?

A: Everyone.


Q: What are children?

A: Disappointing and irritating.


Q: What are adults?

A: Irritating and disappointing.


Q: Is the world really worth saving?

A: No, not really.


Q: Why keep writing jokes over and over that basically have the exact same punch line?

A: Because there's nothing else worth doing.


Q: Where do we go when we die?

A: Columbia, South Carolina.


Q: What do you get?

A: Whatever you don't want.


Q: What is the best thing to put in your coffee?

A: Catalytic converters.


Q: What do you get when you slit your wrists?

A: A peaceful feeling of serenity.


Q: Does it matter who wins anything ever?

A: No.


Q: How important is money?

A: Not very.


Q: What are wishes?

A: A waste of energy.


Q: When do things usually turn out for the best?

A: Never.


Q: What do you call a man with his legs in the air?

A: LeQuisha.


Q: What do lesbians want more than anything in the world?

A: To have penises.


Q: What were you doing on that front porch last night?

A: Nothing, Mama. Honest.


Q: Are animals people too?

A: No. Animals are animals.


Q: Is it okay to sell your baby on the black market?

A: Yeah, it's okay.


Q: If you feel lost and alienated on occasion, are you really lost and alienated?

A: Yes.


Q: When will the world end?

A: Yesterday.


Q: Will sheep always be sheep?

A: Yes indeed they most certainly will.


Q: Why is everyone bitter and depressed?

A: Because they're alive.


Q: What has two noses and three ears?

A: Oklahoma.


Q: Does your vote really count?

A: No.


Q: What is the difference between a lump in your throat and a lump in your breast?

A: One makes it hard to speak while the other makes it hard to live.


Q: Are little girls smarter than little boys?

A: Yes.


Q: If old women are no longer appealing sexually, what are old men?

A: Very sexually appealing.


Q: What is the best way to express yourself?

A: By keeping your mouth shut.


Q: When do people really believe in freedom of speech?

A: When they hear things they want to hear.


Q: When do people no longer believe in freedom of speech?

A: When they hear things they do not want to hear.


Q: Are human beings pathetic, retarded contradictions who will always be led around by their noses like generic gullible sheep?

A: You can bet your life on it.


Q: Who uses words like "please" and "thank you"...?

A: People with manners.


Q: Is it better to collect cheap things or expensive things?

A: It depends on the situation.


Q: What do all people have in common with each other?

A: Nothing.


Q: What lives and breathes inside Richard Gere's rectum?

A: Gerbils.


Q: Who is most concerned about bullying?

A: Weaklings and misfits.


Q: What is music all of the time?

A: A big disappointment.


Q: What lies ahead?

A: Lies.


Q: Does every action cause an equal but opposite reaction?

A: No.


Q: Who should all girls strive to look like?

A: Barbie.


Q: Does the world revolve or does it spin?

A: Neither. It is stationary.


Q: How hard to you have to hit something with a hammer to make it be quiet?

A: Really really hard.


Q: Are we all interconnected?

A: Of course not.


Q: What bothers people?

A: Everything.


Q: Evolution or Creationism?

A: Who cares.


Q: What should children be taught in school?

A: Nothing.


Q: Where do we go when we die?

A: Nowhere.


Q: How important is history?

A: Not very.


Q: What do you feel when you try to see things from the other person's perspective?

A: Sick to your stomach.


Q: What do the federal government and the national media have in common?

A: They both churn out a continuous stream of biased lies aimed at people stupid enough to believe them.


Q: What is a baby kitten?

A: Soft, cute and cuddly.


Q: What happens at the end of a very happy dream?

A: You die.


Q: How do alcoholics live with themselves?

A: They stay so inebriated that they are no longer aware of how worthless they have become.


Q: Is Santa Claus real?

A: Yes indeed he most certainly is.


Q: Why do the other kids at school make fun of me?

A: Because you look and act stupid.


Q: What is it when you get together with a bunch of great friends for an exciting night out?

A: Dull and disappointing.


Q: Is it my fault my life is generic and boring or should I blame it on everyone else?

A: You should blame it on everyone else.


Q: What makes kitchens and bathrooms different from other rooms in a house?

A: They both have running water.


Q: What do you get when you turn on a light?

A: Light.


Q: What do transvestites and television have in common?

A: They both attract attention...but in a negative way.


Q: Who cares about things?

A: No one.


Q: Why chicken?

A: Because of the sides.


Q: Where do the prettiest fairies hide?

A: Underneath the glittery lining of the highest cloud.


Q: What's a joke?

A: A joke.


Q: Is it difficult to lose weight?

A: Not unless you want it to be.


Q: What are grades and scores?

A: Letters and numbers that don't mean anything.


Q: What is the best thing to be when you grow up?

A: Something forgettable.


Q: What do you get when you mix things together?

A: Mixed up stuff.


Q: What will you become eventually?

A: Oozing liquid and dirt.


Q: Who deserves respect?

A: No one.


Q: What have computers become?

A: Monkeys on our backs.


Q: What are the justices on the Supreme Court?

A: Real nobodies.


Q: How much pork would a pork chop chop if a pork chop could chop pork?

A: Approximately two ounces.


Q: May I have another cookie?

A: No, you may not. It's almost time for dinner and it would spoil your appetite.


Q: How do you make yourself stop dripping?

A: Stuff yourself full of paper and sponges.


Q: What moves?

A: Lots of things.


Q: What doesn't move?

A: Everything.


Q: What do you get?

A: Whatever you want.


Q: What is the opposite of opposite?

A: Little Timmy Boatmilk.


Q: Why are all the girls at school so gross and ugly?

A: Because they were born that way.


Q: When should boys begin wearing makeup?

A: As soon as they are born.


Q: What do people see?

A: Nothing.


Q: What is there to be afraid of?

A: Everything.


Q: What is a 'professional'...?

A: A person who wears nice clothes and lies in order to get your money.


Q: What do figures of authority deserve?

A: To be treated like scum.


Q: What does a cute little puppy do when you throw a ball?

A: It fetches it.


Q: If you wish upon a beautiful bright star in the sky is it possible that one day your wish just might come true?

A: No.


Q: How does plastic food taste?

A: Better than real food.


Q: What do Heaven and Hell have in common?

A: Neither one exists.


Q: What is the difference between a 'tranny' and a 'trainee'...?

A: One works and the other doesn't.


Q: What should you do when you meet someone for the very first time?

A: Giggle and look in the other direction.


Q: What does it mean every time a girl has her period?

A: It means that an unborn fetus has died up inside of her uterus.


Q: When does the confusion brought on by puberty end?

A: Never.


Q: Why do people use deodorant, cologne and perfume?

A: Because they stink.


Q: What do you get when you learn to accept people for what they really are?

A: Depressed and suicidal.


Q: What do you do when your favorite tasty treat is placed right in front of you?

A: You eat it.


Q: If women are from Mars and men are from Venus, where is everyone else from?

A: Mississippi.


Q: How ashamed should you be?

A: Real ashamed.


Q: What do you get when you break someone's heart?

A: A good hearty chuckle.


Q: How far apart should you stay from everyone else?

A: Real far apart.


Q: What should you do when it's time to attend your graduation ceremony?

A: Skip it.


Q: Is there any subject worth studying?

A: No.


Q: When should homework be due?

A: Never.


Q: What are cheerleaders?

A: Ignorant and ugly.


Q: What do you get when you cross a cross with a cross?

A: A double cross.


Q: What smells like fish?

A: Fishes.


Q: Who gets really really excited when he sees a gerbil?

A: Richard Gere.


Q: What do you call someone who writes what basically amounts to the same exact joke over and over and over again?

A: Clever, unique and inspired.


Q: How often should you wash your hands?

A: Once every three years.


Q: What makes people cry?

A: Stupid stuff.


Q: What are memories?

A: Much better than the real thing.


Q: What do you get when you pray?

A: Tired and frustrated.


Q: Who suffers from mental illness?

A: Everyone.


Q: Why does everyone communicate through the internet?

A: Because they're afraid of real human contact.


Q: What are babies?

A: Really interesting for about three minutes.


Q: What should you do with rotting food?

A: Eat it.


Q: What are people in reality?

A: Generic cookie cutter replicas of one another desperately seeking a false sense of individuality.


Q: How do you feel when you look into another person's eyes?

A: Sickened and repulsed.


Q: Who whines about not being able to find work?

A: Lazy schmucks.


Q: Is it cool to smoke cigarettes?

A: Yes.


Q: What makes everyone upset?

A: Everything.


Q: What happens when it rains?

A: Things get wet.


Q: Why does food taste bad?

A: Because food is bad.


Q: Is school stupid?

A: Yes.


Q: What should everyone do all at once?

A: Stop trying.


Q: What is the phrase 'Beauty comes from within'...?

A: A great big lie.


Q: Isn't there anyone else out there who isn't one of "them"?

A: Bummer. Didn't think so.


Q: What do flowers and sunshine have in common?

A: They're both exceptionally bright and completely full of magical love.


Q: What should you do with your time?

A: Waste it.


Q: Does anyone understand anything?

A: No.


Q: Why are artists so irritating?

A: Because that's part of being an artist.


Q: Is the world full of thoughtless liars?

A: Of course it is.


Q: Why does everyone worship celebrities?

A: Because they're too dumb to know any better.


Q: How long will things be shitty?

A: Forever.


Q: Does it matter whether you live or die?

A: No...not really.


Q: What is the biggest difference between men and women?

A: Men have penises and women have vaginas.


Q: Why is there glass in windows?

A: Because you can see through it.


Q: If you drive a car long enough will the car eventually learn how to drive itself?

A: Probably.


Q: When should children be allowed to drink alcohol?

A: As soon as they can walk.


Q: Can you really make a statement with your clothes?

A: No.


Q: What should you do when everyone is doing the exact same thing at the exact same time?

A: You should do something else.


Q: What is a funeral?

A: A waste of time.


Q: What is happiness?

A: A waste of energy.


Q: Why do people try to force their own corny views and shitty ideas down other folks' throats?

A: Because they're people.


Q: What is a flower when it's dead?

A: Much prettier.


Q: How many words is a picture worth?

A: None.


Q: What should you feel all the time for one reason or another?

A: Shame and pity.


Q: What do you see when you look in the mirror?

A: A vision of ugliness.


Q: Why do people make up excuses for their shortcomings?

A: Because they're too screwed up to admit their own faults.


Q: What do you get when you eat a bag of Skittles?

A: Your head blowed off.


Q: What is wrong with old homosexuals?

A: The same thing that is wrong with young homosexuals.


Q: What do Washington, D.C. and Hollywood, California have in common?

A: They're both homes to the biggest assholes on the planet.


Q: Does anything matter?

A: No.


Q: Is suicide really the solution?

A: In most cases yes.


Q: How do animals feel about human beings?

A: They hate us.


Q: What is a college education?

A: Worthless.


Q: Who celebrates life?

A: Unrealistic jerk offs.


Q: Who is shitty?

A: Everyone.


Q: Why do old gay men like wearing leather?

A: Because they're pretentious and shallow.


Q: What do you call it when two people engage in any sexual act?

A: Disgusting.


Q: What should you do to a woman after she gives birth?

A: Dispose of the body.


Q: What do you learn in school that will help you later in life?

A: Nothing.


Q: What does it mean when you throw up blood?

A: It means that you are healthy.


Q: What is the difference between rich and poor in 2022?

A: Poor is good, rich is bad.


Q: What do people do when they're happy?

A: They dismember one another.


Q: What should you do when someone has a heart attack?

A: Upload it to YouTube.


Q: What would Jesus do?

A: He would strip, get stoned, curse and barf all over his legs.


Q: Who thinks that alcohol is an acceptable drug just because it's legal?

A: Screwed up retards.


Q: What do you get when you mix melted butter, egg noodles and feces?

A: A tasty treat that will please the entire family.


Q: Where do dumb fuckers live?

A: Everywhere.


Q: What happens to lesbians when they get old?

A: They get neglected and forgotten.


Q: Was Whitney Houston a desperate worthless old crack-addicted drunk or the greatest singer of our time?

A: She certainly was one but not the other.


Q: How many dimensions does sound have?

A: Twelve.


Q: What happens when you ignore things?

A: They go away.


Q: What happens to you if you can't swim?

A: You drown.


Q: How shitty is the world?

A: Mighty shitty.


Q: What do you call someone who has a political bumper sticker on their vehicle?

A: An imbecile.


Q: Is it okay to hate the goddamn planet and everyone on it for no reason at all?

A: Yes.


Q: What should you do when your phone rings?

A: Ignore it.


Q: What do you call a man who is so ashamed to be a homosexual that he rarely misses an opportunity to drag members of his own crowd through the goddamn mud because that's what they deserve?

A: He's generally known as the babysue guy.


Q: How can you ever make up for all the stupid mistakes you've made?

A: You can't.


Q: How do cats feel about the word "pussy"...?

A: That hate it.


Q: What should you do when your best friend becomes compulsive about saving the planet?

A: Find another friend.


Q: What has technology done for us?

A: It has made us even dumber than we already were.


Q: What do all people have in common?

A: Nothing.


Q: What happens to you when you die?

A: You dry up and decay.


Q: Why do people eat birds?

A: Because they like the way birds taste.


Q: Is it okay for soldiers to piss all over corpses?

A: Yeah, it's okay.


Q: Why do people break so easily?

A: Because they aren't made very well.


Q: What do all of your teachers do?

A: They lie.


Q: Where does love exist?

A: In your mind.


Q: What is a Perfect Funeral?

A: One where everyone is dead.


Q: Is the average person able to see beyond their own tiny little slice of the universe?

A: No.


Q: How do you know what you just had for lunch?

A: It's the same thing you had for breakfast three weeks ago.


Q: Who irons their clothes?

A: Freaks.


Q: Why do homosexuals cackle like retards?

A: Because homosexuals are cackling retards.


Q: How do you make a phony relationship end?

A: You make up a phony lie.


Q: What is the best thing to do after you've closed the door on someone?

A: Lock it.


Q: Isn't the sky beautiful?

A: Yes, not particularly.


Q: What is red and red and red all over?

A: A red thing.


Q: Why do so many people around the world protest?

A: Because they're lazy pigs with nothing else to do.


Q: Is there anything wrong with Propofol?

A: No.


Q: What do you call it when coaches take showers?

A: Okay for a while.


Q: What do you get when you read the Bible?

A: Confused.


Q: Is the human race pathetic?

A: Yes.


Q: Are economic conditions ever going to improve?

A: No.


Q: Where do we go when we die?

A: Nowhere.


Q: Is it okay to judge others?

A: Of course it is.


Q: Is there anything worth living for?

A: Not really.


Q: How can you tell?

A: You can't.


Q: Why does everyone place such a great emphasis on families?

A: Because they're retarded.


Q: What time is it when you don't know what time it is?

A: Sometime.


Q: What did one fish say to the other fish?

A: It said, "Hello Fish."


Q: How many squares does it take?

A: It depends on how many squares are needed.


Q: If you aren't religious or spiritual, what are you?

A: Rational.


Q: What do you call it when a mother dies during childbirth?

A: A miracle.


Q: Why did the blind man eat fecal matter?

A: Because he could.


Q: Do people keep making the same mistakes over and over because they're retarded morons?

A: Yes.


Q: What are celebrities?

A: Shitty role models.


Q: Is it okay to hate other people for any reason that you choose?

A: Well of course.


Q: What is the best thing you can put on a sandwich?

A: A thick layer of mucous.


Q: What does social networking cause?

A: Social isolation.


Q: Does anyone really need healthy insurance?

A: No.


Q: What would happen if the world blew up?

A: Absolutely nothing.


Q: How would Oprah Winfrey look with her head torn off?

A: A whole lot better.


Q: What do you call a Jamaican serial killer who stabs his victims to death?

A: Pokemon.


Q: What is the difference between right and wrong?

A: There is no difference between right and wrong.


Q: What do you get when you cross a penguin with a rabbi?

A: Chewing gum.


Q: Why did the priest run into the wall?

A: Because he wasn't watching where he was going.


Q: What makes children bad?

A: Their parents.


Q: What is the difference between three fingers and four fingers?

A: Three fingers fit, four fingers don't.


Q: How many light bulbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. Light bulbs can't screw themselves in.


Q: What does Monica Lewinsky like to do?

A: She enjoys sewing.


Q: What did the door-to-door salesman do?

A: He went from door to door selling things.


Q: What is the easiest kind of promise to break?

A: One that involves love.


Q: What do most husbands do?

A: Cheat on their wives.


Q: Is homosexuality a sin in the eyes of God?

A: Yes it is.


Q: What do you get when you cross a hamster?

A: A really angry damn hamster.


Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?

A: It said, "Do you have a quarter?"


Q: What was "Bewitched"?

A: It was a television show.


Q: When are hippies at their best?

A: When they're dead.


Q: If God is all powerful, could he make a rock so big that he couldn't move it?

A: Sure he could, but he doesn't want to.


Q: Does anything matter?

A: No.


Q: Why are short men neurotic?

A: Because they were born that way.


Q: Are E-coli outbreaks serious?

A: No, but they're at least good for a few laughs.


Q: What do you do after a natural disaster kills thousands of innocent people?

A: Celebrate.


Q: What do you get when you don't return a phone call from a friend?

A: A nice pleasant feeling knowing that you've ditched someone you never really needed in the first place.


Q: What did one blonde say to the other blonde?

A: It said, "Gee, we're both blondes!"


Q: What kind of cereal makes you sick?

A: Cereal that has poison in it.


Q: What is catching criminals?

A: A waste of time and energy.


Q: Should children be punished?

A: Not unless they talk.


Q: Why do policemen like doughnuts?

A: Because they're usually free.


Q: What do you call a lesbian with two heads?

A: Barbara and June.


Q: Why did Karen Carpenter like laxatives?

A: Because they helped her to lose weight.


Q: Is public education a waste of money?

A: Yes.


Q: Why are straight women always attracted to gay men and gay men are always attracted to straight men?

A: Because everyone wants what they can't have.


Q: Why do teenagers like drugs?

A: Because they like to have fun.


Q: What do you get when you cut a martian in half?

A: A dead martian.


Q: Which way is up?

A: Who cares?


Q: Why are public restrooms unpleasant?

A: Because of the people who use them.


Q: Why did Adam and Eve eat the forbidden fruit?

A: Because it was forbidden.


Q: Are people ignorant and stupid?

A: Definitely.


Q: What is feminine hygiene?

A: A contradiction.


Q: Why is everyone self conscious?

A: Because they aren't good enough.


Q: Who runs for public office?

A: Retards.


Q: What do all people have in common?

A: They're all worthless.


Q: What did the blind man do after he crossed the street?

A: He ran into a telephone post.


Q: Why did the disabled child's mother take valium?

A: To help her cope with the fact that she gave birth to a disfigured human being.


Q: What do butter and margarine have in common?

A: They will both kill you eventually.


Q: Why do most parents drink?

A: Because they hate being parents.


Q: What did Mama Cass choke on?

A: Janis Joplin.


Q: What do stupid people do when they read jokes that they don't understand?

A: They send hostile emails to the individual who wrote them.

Michael Jackson Jokes


Q: Why did Michael Jackson keep looking in the mirror?

A: Because he couldn't remember what he looked like.


Q: Where was Michael Jackson's nose?

A: In the wastebasket of a medical facility in California.


Q: What did Michael Jackson want more than anything else in the world?

A: To have his penis removed and replaced with a vagina.


Q: What was Michael Jackson's real name?

A: Michael Jackson.


Q: Why did Michael Jackson stop dancing?

A: Because his nose got cut off.


Q: Was Michael Jackson a child molesting faggot?

A: Probably.


Q: Why did Michael Jackson's voice sound like a woman?

A: Because he was a woman.


Q: What was Michael Jackson's favorite color?

A: White.


Q: What happened to Michael Jackson's face?

A: He messed it up trying to look pretty.


Q: What was Michael Jackson?

A: A deformed freak.


Q: How did Michael Jackson answer the door?

A: He didn't. Doors can't talk.


Q: What church did Michael Jackson attend?

A: The United Church of Noseless White Ladies.


Q: Why did Michael Jackson dangle his child over the side of a balcony?

A: Because he was hoping it might fall and die.


Q: What did Michael Jackson do every afternoon?

A: He watched Sesame Street and slapped his monkey.


Q: Why did Michael Jackson quit the Jackson Five?

A: Because he didn't like hanging around with other girls.


Q: Why did Michael Jackson piss on the reporter?

A: Because the reporter was trying to take pictures of him from inside the toilet.


Q: What did Michael Jackson learn from Diana Ross?

A: How to apply makeup and pick up men.


Q: Why did Michael Jackson shit on the sofa?

A: Because he didn't feel like getting up and going to the bathroom.


Was Michael Jackson black?

A: Not completely.


Q: Why did Michael Jackson keep a cucumber inserted in his rectum at all times?

A: Because it reminded him where he came from.



Pregnancy Jokes


Q: Why do women have babies?

A: So men will have another reason to hate them.


Q: What is the worst thing about breast feeding?

A: Having to look at glands actually being used for the purpose for which they were intended.


Q: Does Jesus approve of abortions?

A: No, because it is a sin to kill a living thing.


Q: What do you say to your wife when your child is born deformed?

A: "It's okay, honey. There are plenty more where that came from."


Q: What do you call a fetus in a toilet?

A: Little David.


Q: What did the flight attendant say when she gave birth to twins?

A: She said, "This is twice as bad as I thought it would be."


Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?

A: Ask her if she would like to be impregnated, and then impregnate her without using contraception.


Q: Why do women eat strange things when they're pregnant?

A: Because they're stupid.


Q: How many expectant mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Four. Three to hold the lamp and one to screw in the light bulb.


Q: What do you get when you cross a raccoon with a giraffe?

A: An animal that is half raccoon and half giraffe.


Q: What did the lesbian say when her baby was born dead?

A: She said, "What a relief."


Q: Why do newborn babies try to crawl inside their mother's rectums?

A: Because they have nowhere to go but up.


Story Jokes

Pat and David entered the obstetrician's office looking obviously worried and very concerned.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"We've been trying and trying our hardest to conceive," said Pat. "And nothing seems to work."
"You've just got to help, us doctor," David pleaded. "Should we bring in semen and urine samples?"
"That won't be necessary," the doctor said with an annoyed huff. "I'll tell you what the problem is. You're both goddamn homos."


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