* babysue * babysue® Store * Donate * LMNOP® * Poetry * Quotes * T-Shirts *

An Interview with Barack Hussein Obama
by

Barack Hussein Obama is the most important and influential man of the twenty-first century. In his bid to be the most powerful man in the world, Obama proves that African-Americans are no different than anyone else. His presence and charisma draw thousands and thousands of people whenever he speaks. He is thoughtful, courteous, handsome, articulate, and possibly the most incredible person who has ever lived. As such, we were very fortunate to catch up with Obama in the midst of one of his popular campaign tours in March 2008. Speaking to him on the back seat of his bus, we were not surprised in the least to find that he was warm, personable, and totally engaging.

Hi Barack. There has been a lot of controversy lately about your connection with your preacher Jeremiah A. Wright...

Who? Why I er, ummm...well, I hardly even know the guy!

 

You hardly even know him? But you've been going to his church for 20 years. He married you and your wife...he baptized your children...he even inspired you to write your best-selling book...

Oh, you mean that Jeremiah Wright. Well yes, of course I know him. He's a very good man. Yes, you are correct...the name and idea of my book The Audacity of Hope was indeed inspired by one of his sermons.

 

 

Speaking of sermons... Several video clips have surfaced recently that show Wright condemning the white race and saying "God Damn America"...

What? Well I for one never heard him say anything like that! I must have missed church on that particular Sunday or something... But you have to understand, Jeremiah is really just like some crazy old uncle of mine who runs around saying crazy things. That's all, it's no big deal...a crazy old uncle, that's right. He doesn't really mean any of the things he says. To put everything in perspective, my next book is going to be called God Damn America and it will be dedicated to Jeremiah.

 

 

But aren't you concerned that your connection with this man is going to cost you the Democratic presidential nomination?

Ha! Are you kidding? This is just another minor setback. So what if my best friend and spiritual advisor hates white people, uses vulgar language in his sermons, and is anti-American? To tell you the truth, I just don't understand what all the fuss is about.

 

Look at it this way. How do you think everyone would react if they found out that Hillary Clinton or John McCain were attending Ku Klux Klan rallies?

What? But that would be totally different! The Ku Klux Klan is a racist organization that teaches people to hate African-Americans!

 

And isn't that the same as your preacher...teaching African Americans to resent and hate white people?

Well now, you're just being ridiculous. As I said, Jeremiah Wright is like a crazy old uncle and that's all I have to say. We're both Black Supremacists and I'm not afraid to admit it. Okay now, let's go on. Next question.

 

 

 

Okay then... Why do you think you are so popular with most black voters and the majority of uninformed white voters?

That's kind of obvious, isn't it? I mean, just look at me...I'm black and I'm white. I may look more black than white, and that sure makes black folks happy...but my skin is very light and fair and that pleases white folks. And just listen to this voice...do I sound like a black man to you? I don't think so.

There seems to be a lot of confusion about your name. Are you a radical Muslim extremist?

Yes I am and I am proud of it. Oprah Winfrey is a radical Muslim extremist also. Oh wait, I forgot. I switched over to Christianity a few years ago and now I'm a Christian. Yeah, that's "wright", I'm a Christian now...forgive me for the error...

Speaking of Oprah, her endorsement has caused your career to skyrocket. What is Oprah really like?

Oprah is a very misunderstood woman. She's pushy and overbearing, she has a weight problem, and her ego is totally out-of-control, sure... But there's so much more to her than that. Oprah only endorses things that she feels very strongly about and she only associates with people who are the best of the best. I mean, just look at who she associates with. John Travolta is obviously the most talented actor that the planet has ever seen. He is so genuine and handsome...not the self-absorbed cow that sarcastic journalists make him out to be. Oprah likes Tom Cruise too...not only the most intelligent man on the planet but he's also filthy rich. Hell, she's even friends with Josh Groban...the most sincere and original singer in the entire world. Oprah doesn't just like rich and famous people though, she is also friends with total nobodies like that Gayle whatever-her-last-name-is bitch whose only claim to fame is that she is Oprah's best friend. She's a total nobody but Oprah likes her anyway because she has a heart of gold. I feel truly blessed and fortunate to be associated with such an influential and filthy rich woman as Oprah. I had to tongue and pork her a few times in her dressing room to get things going, but so what? I mean, if you had the chance to be President of the United States and all you had to do was mess around with an ugly stinking spoiled pig a couple of times...wouldn't you do it?

Sorry to contradict you, Barack...but while all of those people you mentioned may be rich and famous, in reality they are shallow and pathetic assholes. Haven't you noticed...that Oprah has very poor taste?

You are wrong, my friend. She most certainly does not. She has excellent taste. Oprah likes rich and famous people and they all adore her. And now I thank God above that they all love me. Attention and mass adulation... Ahhhh...what a rush. Having everyone in the palm of my hand gives me such a feeling of intense power. And all I have to do is stand in a goddamn pulpit and preach to the masses. This is the easiest gig ever.

What is your message that you want to get out to the American people?

Change, hope, change, hope. We can change things. We must have hope. We must hope that we can change things. We must change things so that we will never give up hope. And once we begin to change things we will have even more hope. More hope to help us change things even more. To change things we must all listen to what celebrities across America are saying. They believe in me and they are telling you to support me and vote for me. Listen to the celebrities. They know the truth about hope and change. Obey their commands. Together we can all create a new America.

Some people say that you are offering nothing more than empty promises. How do you react to that?

Those who criticize me are either bitter and resentful or else they are racists. I offer people dreams...dreams for hope...hope for change...change for the future. The future of hope in our country is all about change...changing things that aren't right and offering hope for the future.

But what about specifics? You're always talking about change and hope, but you never say exactly how you are going to bring about all of these great changes.

That's my whole strategy, you fool. The folks in charge of my campaign keep telling me to only speak in vague generalities so that's what I do. As long as I babble about a bunch of idealistic crap everyone swoons and paws all over me. That's why everyone finds me so interesting. They don't even have the slightest clue about how psychologically challenged and confused I am. Once you start talking about specifics people immediately get agitated and find holes in your logic. Just look at what talking specifics has done for Hillary Clinton. Why, she absolutely destroyed herself by giving too many details. I absolutely refuse to get into any specifics about anything until I am already in office because by then...it'll just be too goddamn late. I am essentially the latest and greatest evangelical television preacher. I'm not the "same old same old." I'm the "new same old same old"...preaching blubberish to hoards of stupid people so hungry for something different that they're willing to risk the future of the entire country on someone who has no experience or credibility whatsoever.

The Kennedy family endorses you. How do you feel about this?

Haven't you heard? I'm the new John Kennedy. When I speak thousands and thousands of people crowd around and listen to every word I say. I am very important and I am super influential. And besides, the Kennedys are very good friends with Oprah Winfrey. All good, smart, rich people tend to listen to one another and understand what is the real truth. And then they present the truth to the millions of nobodies who blindly obey their commands. And because I am the real truth, I truly am the next John Kennedy.

You seem to be having a problem with Mexicans. To put it bluntly, they don't like you and won't vote for you. How are you going to change that?

Oh, I have plans my friend...I have plans. My make-up assistant is already adding subtle Mexican skin tone colors to my face and neck. In addition I have already submitted paperwork to the Federal government to have my middle name changed to Pedro. Last but not least, at the close of each of her television programs Oprah is going to endorse me in Spanish. If that doesn't to it, nothing will.

Why do you think you have such a super strong appeal with young people and black people?

I realized early on in my campaign that you have to target those who are the most vulnerable. I thought and thought about it and I realized that young people are the most mindless and stupid voters...now there's a hungry crowd that will happily gobble up any slop that is thrown to them. All you have to do is offer some crummy far-fetched idealistic hope and BAM! Young folks immediately snap up the bait hook, line, and sinker. The dumb little suckers. If they only knew how my friends and I laugh at them behind closed doors. And in regard to African-Americans, I don't have to do anything to get their vote. They are the most color-conscious voters of all. It doesn't matter what I do or don't do. As long as they are convinced that I am "one of them"...virtually every one of the goddamn idiots will vote for me. They're so loyal and brainless that it just makes me want to get down on my knees and vomit. But I am truly grateful for all of their mindless support, of course...

What is your advice to young people about drugs?

I would tell them to inhale frequently. That's the whole point. And I would tell them to snort frequently. That's the whole point. And I would also tell them that they should inject frequently. That's the whole point.

Folks everywhere criticize Hillary Clinton and tear her to shreds. But when it comes to you, hardly anyone utters even the slightest harsh word. Why is that?

Well my dear friend...it just proves that in today's world it's okay to be sexist. But once you get into race, you'd better watch out. Nobody minds if you tear a bitch to pieces because it is considered socially acceptable. But the minute you start to criticize an African-American you are labeled a racist and that's it. Your life is over. I have seized upon this fact and made it a part of my campaign. If people criticize Hillary Clinton, they are just trying to uncover the truth and catch her when she trips up. But if they say anything bad about me...even the slightest thing...everyone in the media will pounce on them and they will be labeled a racist. That usually keeps me from having to field any difficult questions which, by the way, I could never, ever answer in a million years. It gives me an easy "out" in almost every situation. It's so cool!

Most folks consider you magnetic and charismatic...but some folks have said that you "have the look and personality of a plasticized corpse." How do you respond to this?

My response is that I am very sad that that racism is still so pervasive in modern American culture.

Still other folks say that you "look and talk like an ethnic ventriloquist dummy." How do you respond to this?

My response is that I am very sad that that racism is still so pervasive in modern American culture.

Do you consider yourself a "nappy headed ho"?

Yeah, yeah...I guess I am a nappy headed ho in a lot of ways. But you know, that's why I cut that nappy stuff so goddamn short. I left just enough of it on my head so that black folks would know I had the kinky thing going on. But I cut enough of it off so that white folks wouldn't be freaked out by my afro. I used to play basketball many years ago and when I did people were always saying that I played like a girl. If I grew my hair out and had some breast implants, I could probably compete with just about any female basketball player in the country.

Did you date Mike Huckabee in 2002?

Yup, Mike and I did have a bit of a thing going for a few months. It wasn't any big deal, he was always the "top" and I was always the "bottom." If you think he rocks when he's playing bass, you should see him when he's grinding. Man oh man, Mike's sexy jello-jowels really flap around like holy hell when he's cruising around inside my cozy little telephone booth. We never hid our fling from our wives or anything though. In fact, on at least two occasions we even invited them to watch. Mike's wife videotaped one really crazy session. I wonder if she still has that? I'll have to e-mail him and find out.

But isn't that sinful? Isn't Mike Huckabee supposed to be a very conservative Christian who is driven by his faith?

Oh, that girl is driven all right. Believe me, I know what it feels like to be "driven" by Mike Huckabee. But you know, Christians don't really care about what you do in your personal life. All they care about is hearing you thump that goddamn Bible. The harder you thump it the more they love you. If you're on the streets selling cocaine and prostituting children, they don't really give a damn as long as you talk about God and Jesus when the camera is rolling. Plus you have to promise that you will outlaw abortion. That's the biggest line that'll get 'em all hyped up and humping.

I heard that you took a wee-wee in your pants during one particularly emotional speech in Chicago in 2007. Is this true?

Yeah, so I pissed in my pants. Who hasn't? I'm actually kind of proud of the fact that I could wet my panties in front of so many people and not even give a damn about it. That wasn't the first time it happened so I was prepared. After the first slip up in 2006 I realized that it wasn't a bad idea to slap a sanitary napkin over my crotch before speaking in public. Now I can let 'er rip whenever I please and it all gets sopped up before anyone notices. It's a great trick, you should try it.

Do you collect anything?

Well yes I do, as a matter of fact.

And what do you collect if I may ask?

Well, I've never admitted this publicly before but I might as well go ahead and confess because eventually it'll come out anyway. I collect bowel movements. I know it sounds weird, but it's something I took an interest in when I was just a baby and it's just been an obsession ever since. I've got quite a collection that takes up about three rooms of my house. I've got a contribution from Oprah that you would have to see to believe. It's about six inches in diameter and twelve inches long. I really don't know how she did it and I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. I guess with an ass that big anything is possible. I've got one from Maria Shriver that is the exact opposite. It's about the size of a piece of chalk. Apparently she never eats a full meal, only little tiny snacks. And then when she goes to make a deposit...all of them are really, really tiny. I have a month-by-month display of my kids' turds from birth to the present. Oh, and I forgot to mention...my specimens aren't all dried up and weird. I vacuum pack them in freezer bags so that they retain their original size and density. It really makes them much more lovely and engaging to view. A nice little bonus is that if anyone ever dies they can be cloned from the damn things. My own "art pieces" aren't much to speak of. For some reason I always spew out runny liquid chunky stuff. It's kind of embarrassing so I don't have any of my own on display.

If you are elected President, what is the first legislation you would pass?

Oh, that's an easy one. I would immediately pass a law that would force all Mexicans to go back to Mexico. They may vote against me now...but in the end, I'll vote their sorry asses back to where they came from. Then they'll see who's boss.

I heard a rumor that you and Oprah secretly beat her dogs...

Yes, yes, that is true...but don't tell her I told you that! Heh heh heh... It's nothing big really, just a cheap way to get some kicks. Sometimes when we're at her house late at night we'll lock her dogs in the carport and bash 'em around with a microphone stand. I don't know how we got started with that one, I guess we were just drunk and wanting to have fun. One time things did get a little out of hand though. While we were playing one of the dogs had her puppies a few weeks earlier than she was supposed to and... Well, let's just say we had to sprinkle a whole goddamn lot of kitty litter on that one to keep it from stinking up the place.

I've seen you scratching your ass several times in public, Barack. Do you have worms?

Worms? Yes. I've had worms for years. But unlike most folks who want to get rid of 'em, I want to encourage them. I like that strange little itchy feeling. It's kind of a turn on, y'know? The more they nibble and chew...the more aroused I get. Besides...worms have got to live somewhere and I feel like I'm as good of a home as any.

Maybe that explains the "runny liquid chunky stuff"...

Well I never thought of it before but that it may, that it may. I always figured it was because I do so much coke.

Have you ever met Condoleezza Rice?

Met her? Why, we're practically sisters.

Sisters? What do you mean?

Me and Condi go back. Way, way, way back. Thousands of years even. We still get together every couple of months. Our favorite thing to do is get all doped up and hang out on the street to see who can get a trick first. Most folks think of her as a smooth sophisticated lady but make no mistake...Ms. Rice is one raw bitch. And she takes it up the back alley just like yours truly. She pretty much influenced my whole style...my hair, my make up, the way I walk, the way I talk... I still idolize her in every way. I asked her to marry me several years back but she told me she wasn't into closet faggots. So nowadays we just reminisce about the old days...smoke a doobie, do some shooters... When Condi and I are together we don't give a damn about anything or anyone. We may be tired old buttholes but we're still rebels with a cause and we don't care who knows it.

Gosh, Barack. Hearing you talk, I wonder if people would like you so much if they really knew you.

What are you...stupid? Don't you listen when I talk? I already told you that Oprah is behind me. As long as she's running around farting my praises no one will ever question me or anything I do. I'm like soft boiled eggs on a plush carpet. Everyone stomps all around me but no one has the guts to break my yolk. You have to understand that Oprah has a lot to gain here. When I am President I will be her goddamn puppet and then she will be able to rule our country...which is exactly what she has always wanted. Plus she will have total access to the White House so that she can throw big lavish parties and wag her wrinkled flabby ass at everyone. Speaking of...I guess we'll have to re-name that goddamn house, won't we? Ha ha ha ha ha...

Yeah, yeah. The Black House. Very corny.

Sorry, I couldn't help it.

Before I met you I thought you were a very good man. After speaking with you, I think you're just the BEST!

Thanks, want another toot? Oops...I shouldn't have said that while the machine was on. Oh well, who cares? I think you're the best too. Hey, would you like to sniff my mystery hole?

Sniff your mystery hole? I don't get it, oh wait, I see...uh, ummm...

There, there, go ahead. Don't be afraid. Everyone else does it. The whole world eats at my private little restaurant these days. I'll be happy to produce a special dinner for you right here today, you lucky thing you. Uhhhhhhnnnggghhh.... Snap it up now. Good boy, get it, get it now...

Mmmmm...that sure tastes good...[munch, munch, munch]... Now I see what everyone is talking about. This "food" is helping me to SEE THE LIGHT. I love you Barack Hussein Obama. You are the new John Kennedy. You are the new Martin Luther King. You are the new Jesus. And you are the new Jim Bakker. Wow, this is the best meal I've ever had in my life...

Just shut up and eat, will ya kid? You're driving me crazy with all that mindless babbling. Just lick the goddamn plate clean and shut the hell up. I don't have all day...I've got fifteen more journalists to brainwash this afternoon.

Yes, massuh, yes. While I'm finishing up here, can you tell us what else you will do when you become President?

Sure thing, whitey. I will do all kinds of things. When I am President I will spread hatred everywhere I go. I will open the borders to everyone who wants to come to the United States. I will legalize marijuana. I will make slavery mandatory. I will give children the right to vote. I will lower taxes for European-Americans and increase taxes for African-Americans. I vow to make even more empty promises that I cannot possibly keep. I will ban computers and bring back manual typewriters. I will close all colleges and universities nationwide. I will create a law requiring all citizens to wear little pendants around their necks with my image inside each of them. I will make it illegal for people to have pets. I will sit around in a big fluffy chair barking absurd orders at all my obnoxious subservients. I will mix alcohol and hard liquor. I will manufacture crystal meth in the bathrooms of the Black House. I will use my lack of experience as a springboard to cause our government to slowly crumble and dissolve into a pathetic meaningless pile of dribble. I will rape all the women and men who work for me while I threaten them with lawsuits if they tell anyone. I will scream obscenties and break everything around me. I will kick and throw tantrums until I get my way. I will have a torrid love affair with Osama Bin Laden in the mountains of Afghanistan. I will reignite terrorist cells everywhere I go. I will shave myself from top to bottom and paint teeny little pictures of Betty Boop on the underside of my nuts. I will re-invent refrigerators and lava lamps. I will build a bridge so big and long that no one will ever be able to cross it. I will use one fish and one loaf of bread to feed millions and millions of people. I will paw at rubber balls and bat ornaments off Christmas trees. I will eat dog food and throw up all over the freshly laid carpet even though I know I will be scolded for it. I will pad my bra and tease my hair before I flirt with everyone in the Senate. I will stuff corndogs in my colon and then whistle brilliantly until they all come running home to mother. I will become a goat and bleed all over the goddamn corn fields. I will be blank static and turn several different colors all at once. I will beam and bolt and rivet and crunch. I will make icky things okay and then make things that are okay not completely acceptable anymore. I will do anything and everything anyone ever wanted to do...once I am President of this goddamn stinking pile of shit that we all so lovingly call the United States of America.

Any final closing words?

Remember, folks...it doesn't matter whether I have any experience or if I can explain all of my grand ideas. Just do as you are told to do...JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO. Don't ask me any difficult questions and don't ask me to defend or explain myself. Just be the foolish gullible ignorant sheeplike freaks that you always are and VOTE FOR ME. My running mate will be Jeremiah A. Wright because he will be the perfect Vice President. Now I want you to look deep into my eyes and concentrate. Breathe deeply, you are getting very, very sleepy... Now repeat after me... I will READ the books that Oprah wants me to read. I will WATCH the films that Oprah wants me to see. I will LISTEN to the music that Oprah wants me to hear. And I will VOTE for the man that Oprah wants me to vote for. Remember...a vote for Obama is a vote for OPRAH.

Home | Table of Contents | The babysue Store

©2008 LMNOP®