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Simple Answers to Questions Children Have About Jesus:
Help for Mothers and Fathers Trying to Field Those "Difficult Questions"

Children are such inquisitive little things. They are always investigating, experimenting, and looking for answers. Sometimes the questions they ask are simple and easy to respond to. But at other times the questions they ask can be quite confusing and difficult to answer.

What should a parent do when a child asks those difficult questions? Knowledge and preparation are essential. All parents should be prepared for any and all questions that they might be faced with on any given day. There is probably no one who ilicits more questions from the little ones than Jesus. Children always want to know more and more about Jesus as they get older. Most parents aren't experts on much of anything, much less religion. It can be frustrating and difficult for parents when all they essentially need is good information. Accordingly, we have prepared some simple and straightforward responses to many of the questions that your little ones may have about Jesus. Read the responses carefully, being sure to memorize each and every word. This will prepare you for those awkward moments with your little ones that can be so embarrassing and confusing.

Does Jesus really see everything that I do?

Yes. Jesus is always watching you, each and every hour of each and every day. When you are sleeping Jesus watches over you. When you are eating breakfast Jesus watches while you chew. When you are walking Jesus is always walking right behind you. And when you do bad things Jesus keeps track of each and every one of them in his secret book.

Explanation: The idea here is to make your children feel as if they are continually being monitored. By giving children the feeling that they are constantly being watched you will instill in them the desire to always do the right thing and avoid sinning. Sometimes a little paranoia can be a very good thing.

Is Jesus special and wonderful?

He certainly is. Jesus is without a doubt the most special and wonderful person that ever lived. Everything that Jesus said was holy and beautiful. Everyone always remembers special and wonderful people...and that is why people still remember Jesus to this very day.

Explanation: Children need to feel as if Jesus was more than just a man. They need to constantly be reminded of the fact that Jesus he was a superhuman whose words and actions were an important part of history. Remind them often that Jesus was the Son of God. Become very spiritual and energized whenever you mention his name.

Does Jesus have enough love for all the little children of the world?

Of course he does. Jesus has enough love for all children and then has enough love left over for all the adults of the world as well. Jesus has unlimited love for everyone because his love is bountiful and all-encompassing. You never need worry that Jesus will someday run out of love. He has plenty and will always have plenty of it.

Explanation: In today's changing world, children need to feel that there is some sort of constant in their lives that never changes. By giving them the feeling that Jesus has a never ending supply of love they will never feel lost or neglected.


Will Jesus still love me no matter what I say or do?

You can bet on it. Jesus doesn't just love you when you are good and when you do the things that he wants you to do. He also loves you when you are evil. Jesus is not a fair weather friend. He will always be there for you...through thick and thin...through good times and bad times.

Explanation: Small children need to feel that Jesus will not desert them when they make mistakes. By making them feel that Jesus' love is unconditional, they will never be afraid of being alone and abandoned.

Will Jesus punish me when I do something bad?

No, Jesus will not punish you. But he will use your parents as instruments to deliver any punishment that he deems to be necessary. Because Jesus is a spiritual being, he cannot actually hit anyone. But he can...and will...cause others to do his bidding. Whenever you are whipped by your mother and father, it is actually Jesus who is delivering the blows.

Explanation: Fear is an important motivator in children. If they will not be good children naturally, the fear of physical pain may very well instill the spirit of Jesus deep within their souls.

Why do Mommy and Daddy force me to go to church every Sunday?

Your parents make you go to church because you are bad most of the time. Churches turn bad people into good people. The more frequently bad people go to church the more good they become.

Explanation: Children that don't want to go to church are children who need to go to church the most. Use guilt to motivate. The more guilty your children feel the more easily manipulated they will be.

Is Jesus like Peter Pan?

In a way, yes. Some things about Jesus are very much like Peter Pan. Both can live forever. Both can fly (using wires, of course). And both can give children the power to remain young forever.

Explanation: Children like fairy tales. If it helps to compare one fairy tale to another then by all means use this strategy to get deeper and deeper into their souls.

What does Jesus think about other religions?

Jesus likes Christianity the best because it is the best. Christians are the only ones who will be allowed into Heaven without serious delays. Jesus frowns upon other religions because they are based upon lies and contradictions. When he sees children who stray from Christianity, he causes them to become very ill. Sometimes they die even.

Explanation: Make your children believe that Christianity is the only real religion. Make them feel afraid to consider and understand other schools of thought. Teach them that the only way to achieve true spirituality is through Christianity.

If I pray for something, does that mean that it will always come true?

Yes. Praying is very much like wishing, but the results are markedly different. You can close your eyes and pray and you can also close your eyes and wish. If you wish, you may not get what you want. But Jesus says that if you pray...you will have everything you want and then some.

Explanation: Try to discourage your children from wishing. Explain to them the difference between wishing and prayer. Tell them that there is a huge difference between the two. Encourage them to pray by telling them that their prayers will always be answered in one way or another.

Is it wrong to sin?

That depends on what kind of sin you are talking about. There are two types of sin: good sin and bad sin. Jesus constantly evaluates our sins to decide if they are good or if they are bad. If you sin bad, Jesus may make your parents give you a firm beating. But as long as you are sinning good, everything will be okay.

Explanation: Never confuse your children. Explain things in simple terms so that they will not get things all mixed up. Explain the difference between sinning good and sinning bad and offer examples. The more children understand about sin the better they will be able to cope with it.

Does Jesus care about poor boys and girls?

Jesus cares about all boys and girls...but he cares most about those who give the most when the offering plate is passed around at church. It just so happens that rich boys and good girls are the ones who give the most. Because poor boys and girls never seem to have any money for him, Jesus cannot always guarantee that he will listen when they pray and be there when they need him.

Explanation: The moral here is that you must give in order to receive. Teach your children at a very young age that money is important to everyone...and that includes Jesus.

How does Jesus feel about violence in school?

Jesus is very much against violence...but he also realizes that in some cases it is necessary. In many schools there is no system in place to punish evil children who pick on or bully other children. In those cases Jesus will allow violence to happen because violence needs to happen. It's kind of like when your parents spank you when you sin bad. They know that it is wrong to hit or beat you...but ultimately they do it because they must.

Explanation: Children are frightened by school violence they seen in the media. Put them at ease by letting them know that Jesus rarely allows violence to happen...and only in specific cases where it is absolutely essential.

Does Jesus ever have to go to the bathroom?

Jesus is a spiritual being. Therefore he does not have a rectum or penis or vagina like you have. There are no bathrooms in Heaven because there is no need for them. Jesus would rather watch anyway. Each time you go to the bathroom Jesus watches. He inspects every inch of loaf you pinch off as well as every stream of urine and he studies your facial expression during the process. He watches from above and he also watches from below. Sometimes he even watches from inside your intestines. So if you are ever thinking of doing anything weird or perverted when you are in the bathroom, think again. You are always being watched.

Explanation: Children tend to think that the bathroom is a private place where they can get away with things that they otherwise could not. Convince them that Jesus is right there with them when they go to take a wee-wee or do a stinky job. If they think they are being watched children will rarely do things that they think are wrong.

With so many people praying to Jesus all at the exact same time, how can he possibly understand what I am saying?

Even though Jesus can listen to several people praying at once, there is no way that he could possibly listen to and interpret millions of people when they are all praying at the same time. That is why Jesus employs tiny elves to help him listen and decipher all the messages he receives. The elves listen intently when Jesus cannot and then they transcribe each and every word. Then they forward a hard copy of the prayers to Jesus so that he can read them later when he has some extra time.

Explanation: Children sometimes ask questions that don't have real answers. When they do, make something up real quick and try to sound convincing and authoritative when you respond. Remember...if you answer in the right tone of voice, children will likely believe just about anything that you tell them.

How does Jesus feel about cheating?

You might be surprised to know that Jesus himself cheated when he was a boy. Jesus feels that you need to do whatever you need to do in order to survive. And if that means cheating, then cheating is most surely the right thing to do. The most important thing about cheating is knowing how to not get caught. When you cheat, pray to Jesus for help and he will show you how to avoid being detected.

Explanation: It is important to be frank and honest with your children because they have an astonishing ability to discern lies from the truth. Children realize at a very early age that if they do not cheat they will not be able to compete with their classmates. Therefore, giving them advice from the heart is only way to go.

If he loves them so much, why does Jesus allow bad things to happen to so many people?

Jesus is an expert in population control. So, as much as he loves people, he loves the world that his father (God) created even more. Our world and our environment were only created to inhabit a certain number of people. When the number of people exceeds capacity, with God's help Jesus allows devastating natural disasters and other fatal accidents to occur that often kill thousands of people in a single blow. Fortunately, the people who die and whose lives are destroyed understand that Jesus is only acting in the best interests of everyone.

Explanation: Terrifying events that kill lots of people are confusing to children because they cannot understand why God and Jesus would let such things happen. Explain the truth to them in a rational manner so that they will understand why these events are inevitable and necessary for the good of all.

Some of my friends make fun of me because I believe in Jesus. Why do they do that?

Jesus had very long hair and wore a long gown that very much resembled an evening gown. He also had a very soft, caring voice. Because of these things, many people...especially young boys...think Jesus was effeminate and that he was a sissy. Your friends may tease you because you believe in Jesus. You should ignore them. Look them straight in the eye and tell them that a long-haired man in a dress died for your sins as well as theirs. They will soon stop laughing and begin to think.

Explanation: Admit to your children that Jesus looked and acted funny. Explain to them that looking and acting strange is actually a strength rather than a weakness. On Halloween, you might even encourage your children to dress up like Jesus by putting on long wigs and wearing elaborate evening gowns.

How does Jesus feel about the word "nigger"...?

Jesus considers himself to be a very open minded savior. That said, he does have his limits on what he will and will not tolerate. Jesus is able to overlook many of our faults and in most cases he is willing to forgive us. But when it comes to the word nigger, Jesus is completely inflexible and intolerant. Jesus doesn't mind if we say "shit" or "goddamn" or "f*ck" or even "c*nt"...but he will never, never, ever in a million years be willing to let the word nigger slip by unnoticed. Some of the most powerful and wealthy men and women have seen their careers crumble because they used this extraordinarily offensive word. In one instance, an extremely influential president of one of America's biggest corporations was on his way to becoming the richest man in the entire world. But he inadvertently uttered the word nigger during an interview and everything suddenly came tumbling down around him. Even after he apologized to Jesus over and over again, Jesus would have none of it. He put a curse on the man that virtually destroyed everything he had ever worked for. Today that man is a hungry beggar wino living on the streets of Harlem. A word of warning to the wise. You can kill, rape, torture, steal, and get as high as you want...but if you say nigger, you can...and will...most certainly go straight to Hell.

Explanation: Of all the words in the world, explain to your children that nigger is the one that they should never use.

Does Jesus care if I am fat?

Jesus tries to be objective and fair to everyone...but in all honesty he cannot stand "fatties." The reason for this is probably rooted in Jesus' own childhood. When he was very, very young he was fairly chubby and was constantly teased by other children. This teasing caused an intense hatred during puberty that resulted in several years of devastating anorexia and bolemia. But if you are overweight, don't worry. Once you get your weight under control Jesus will reevaluate your appearance and consider loving you again and listening to your prayers.

Explanation: Fat children are very nervous and touchy about being fat. They want to know that there is a chance that Jesus will love them...even if the chance is only slight and in the far distant future.

How can I make Jesus love me?

You can make Jesus love you by doing the same things that you would do to make any other person love you. Only let Jesus see your good traits by hiding the bad ones when he is around. Keep your weight under control and your body toned. Always have a good tan. Keep your hair trimmed and neat. If you are a girl, wear plenty of make up and perfume to hide what you really look and smell like. Girls may also want to consider breast implants. If you are a boy, pad your trousers with a couple of carefully stuffed socks. If you have any physical traits that are particularly unappealing, consider plastic surgery. Avoid tattoos and piercings as these tend to repulse Jesus.

Explanation: Teach your children that our physical appearance is what matters most. Instead of feeding them a bunch of hogwash about their personality and their inner being, give them a dose of reality at an early age. Encourage them to focus first and foremost on their appearance if they want to be seen as good citizens in the eyes of Jesus.

Is Jesus black or white...or something else?

Jesus is actually something else...kind of like a cross between several different colors. His skin was white sort of...but it sometimes had a darkish tint that almost appeared olive at times in the right kind of light. The skin on his arms was much darker than the skin on his face, torso, and legs. The skin on his feet had a slight yellowish hue. He had a light brown birthmark on his left buttock which was how his followers were able to distinguish him at night. If your friends ask what color Jesus was, you can just tell them that he was a variety of different colors.

Explanation: Always avoid talking about racial issues with your children. Children want to see everyone as white or black which may be distressing for some parents. Include all kinds of colors in your discussion so that your children are eventually confused by the complexity of your answer.

Why does Jesus allow companies in China to paint my toys with lead paint?

Many, many centuries ago Jesus placed a curse on China. The curse was so strong and so intense that the people of China have never been able to fully recover from it. Chinese people have always been jeolous and envious of people in the United States. Because of this, they are always trying to find ways to poison us and kill us. Painting toys with lead paint is just the latest in a long string of attempts to hurt and kill innocent people in this country. Jesus would like to put a stop to it...but because of the curse he is now prohibited from practicing voodoo in Asia.

Explanation: Give your children Chinese toys with lead paint and encourage them to gnaw on them with hearty determination. After they begin to get sick and lose their hair, explain to them that evil Chinese people caused it to happen. Sickness and fatigue are key factors that can open your children's eyes to important multicultural issues that affect us all.

How does Jesus feel about Global Worming?

Jesus is completely in favor of global worming. Jesus has watched generations and generations of people who have been plagued by a variety of illnesses associated with worms. Now that there are affordable medications proven to kill worms in both children and adults, he sees no reason why a worldwide campaign should not be undertaken to de-worm the entire population. Jesus himself once had worms when he was very little and found it to be most frustrating and uncomfortable.

Explanation: Children are not oblivious to the news. Like everyone, they are constantly being bombarded by media-driven fears of global worming. Explain to them that there is a simple and inexpensive solution to the problem. Tell them that in just a few years no one on earth will have worms...not even people in Africa and Bangladesh.

Will Jesus buy me stuff if I ask him to?

Sure he will. In the Bible it is stated, Ask and you shall receive. Jesus is the original mass merchandiser. He has serviced clients all over the world...all the way from tiny babies in developing countries who cry for food...to chief executive officers of huge corporations who ask for fancy jet planes and sinfully decadent mansions. There are so many people in the world who never receive anything...but the reason they do not is because they even never bother to ask. If no one ever asked for anything, Jesus would be out of business. And, as we all know, Jesus is bound to be in business for a long, long time.

Explanation: Explain to your children that Jesus is a shrewd businessman who thrives on work. Tell them about things you prayed for and got real quick. Use Martha Stewart's story as an example. Encourage your children to ask for large and expensive items.

Is Jesus still mad at us for nailing him to a cross?

For a long, long time...centures even...Jesus was very upset with us for what we did to him. We were very mean and there is no excuse for what we did. But over time Jesus realized that, in his own way, he could invoke a kind of neverending revenge. In simpler terms, he realized that he had the power to nail us to a cross every single day of every single year until the end of eternity. This cross-continental crucifiction is why we face so many insurmountable problems in the world today. Once Jesus began engaging in ritualistic punishment, his anger and animosity slowly dissolved...giving way to the warm, new, wonderful Jesus that we all know and love today.

Explanation: Young children may tend to feel guilty about the cricifiction. Calm their fears by letting them know that they are constantly being punished for the mistakes of their forefathers. Explain to them that Jesus is no longer mad at us because he knows that today every single person on earth is currently living in a constant Hell.

How does Jesus feel about Mexicans?

Jesus loves Mexicans just fine...unless they move to countries other than Mexico. Mexicans in Mexico are just great in the eyes of Jesus. But when they travel to other countries and then ruin everyone's quality of life...well then, Jesus just tends to hate their guts all the way to San Bernardino. That is why he instills so much violence and hostility in these people. Because they are inherently stupid and evil, Jesus casts spells on them to make their lives even more difficult, meaningless, desperate, unbearable, and pathetic than they already are.

Explanation: Explain to your children the fact that Jesus loves Mexicans that live in Mexico...but that the love stops when they cross the border. When your children express their hatred for Mexican kids at school, let them know that their feelings are perfectly rational and normal and that everyone...even Jesus...absolutely despises these goddamn worthless pieces of shit. Hell, even Negroes hate them...so you know they must be bad.

Will Jesus still love me if I shoplift?

Yeah, will Jesus understand if you need to lift a little merchandise every now and then. After all, possessions are just that...possessions. If you get caught and get thrown in jail, all you need to do is pray real quick and ask Jesus to let you out and boom...you're back out on the street in minutes.

Explanation: Don't deny your children the right to steal. If they want something, encourage them to go for it.

Does Jesus care about retarded kids?

First of all, you need to rephrase your question. Your question SHOULD be: Does Jesus care about AUTISTIC kids? The answer is no. Jesus would like to care for weird little children with strange personality traits that render them unbearable to everyone around them. But the truth is that he is a very busy man and just does not have the time nor the energy to deal with little tiny retards. Jesus would like to see all defective children smothered shortly after birth. But this is impossible because mothers tend to be weak and selfish. If they were thinking of the children instead of themselves, mothers would wipe out the germs before they had a chance to grow. Jesus does get even, however, by causing these children to get even more and more autistic as they get older. This is his way of showing retards that he has not forgetten about them.

Explanation: Encourage your children to constantly use the word "autism" over and over and over...just like everyone else on the goddamn planet. Explain to them that autistic children are just like them...only more socially retarded and inherently stupid. Encourage your children to mock autistic kids, harrass, and bully them. Tell them that this will make Jesus very proud of them.

If I sell my soul to the Devil, will Jesus put a curse on me?

You bet your ass he will. Jesus doesn't favor dissenters...and they are surely bound to pay a heavy price. Stories abound of small traitors who were suddenly discovered with fatal diseases and horrible sores on their lips and genitals. Others have been found with their limbs mutilated and their heads severed. Jesus is full of love...but he does not like to be double-crossed. When you skip off to the other side, Jesus becomes an intense, furious ball of uncontrollable hate. He will surely punish those who turn against him. He tortures their families. He puts serious irreversible curses on these individuals. And then he sends them straight to Hell.

Explanation: Inform your children that Jesus rules with an iron glove. Let them know that he can be full of love if you treat him right...but if you treat Jesus wrong you will forever burn and fry away into eensie teensie pieces.

Will Jesus give my Mommy a lap dance?

That depends on how much money your Mommy has to spare. While he will give free lap dances to men just about any time of day, Jesus usually doesn't give lap dances to women. Money talks, however...and if right incentive is offered then the dance will surely begin.

Explanation: First explain to your children what a lap dance is...and then show them what Jesus looks like when he lifts up his gown to dance.

I am a fourteen year old boy and have just begun to go through "the change." Will Jesus still love me after I become a man?

Quite the contrary. Jesus will love you even more after you become a man.

Explanation: No explanation necessary.

Does Jesus think the Ten Commandments are important?

No, not particularly. In fact, Jesus doesn't really think that anything is very important these days. He says that he is extremely tired of hanging around in the clouds listening to millions of voices simultaneously yapping at him day in and day out. He wants something different...some kind of a change...or more variety in his life. Nowadays Jesus just wants to get the Hell out of Heaven and pork a Sheepdog in Milwaukee.

Explanation: After you offer this explanation, give your children a sharp slap on their rumps and send them off to bed.


What does Jesus think?

Jesus thinks about all kinds of things. He things about grand, sweeping things and he thinks about eensie teensie tiny things. He thinks about upright pianos. He thinks about the wind at night. He thinks about four leaf clovers and little baby rabbits that are born with birth defects. Jesus thinks the greatest thoughts that have ever been thought...but sometimes for a change he thinks really trivial foolish things just for a chuckle because he can. He thinks about the way things could have been and the way that things really are. Jesus thinks about the little family of ducks he shot with a rifle when he was only three years old and then stuffed underneath a pile of pinestraw beside a brook. He thinks about snorting things with God and then getting really, really confused for a little bit. Jesus thinks about Christmas and gets mad because he wasn't even born during winter. He thinks about how overpopulated the earth has become and how glad he is that he doesn't live there anymore. Jesus thinks about how pathetic it is that everyone runs around drinking alcohol and making light jokes about getting "tipsy" and "having one too many" while simultaneously condemning all other forms of altering their consciousness that are much less harmful. He thinks about louvered doors...beaches...digital cameras...toy kitchen utensils...monkey budgets...cervical cancer...windy weather...the moon... He thinks about how much more interesting it is to hear about how Britney Spears allowed everyone to get a glimpse of her shaved vagina than it is to hear about the global warming crisis. Jesus thinks that everyone should admit to themselves what the Bible really is...a second rate collection of dull fairy tales. He thinks that people who try to change the world are the most annoying screw-ups around. Jesus thinks about an old blind beggar on the street that he kicked in the face when it was really late at night and he was so stoned that he could hardly walk. He thinks about jello, light bulbs, niggerabilia, medicinal cocaine, hardcore pornography, fake pig noses, bowls and spoons, Asian noodles, campfires, budget vacations, and the fact that Condoleezza Rice's hair must be made of concrete to be so hard and stiff. Jesus thinks and thinks and thinks...and then he thinks it is time to take a shower. While Jesus showers he rubs his upper body with expensive liquid cleanser...and he thinks about all the saviors who cannot afford expensive liquid cleanser. When he washes the cleanser off Jesus thinks about all the people that his father has killed and then he smiles. He thinks about what life would be like if he had short hair and was clean shaven. He wonders why he never got to go out on even one single date. And then Jesus thinks about mushrooms, mirror balls, hunger particles, universal plastic, sanitary napkins, pizza, casual sex, and big masculine machine guns. Jesus thinks and thinks and thinks some more. And then he suddenly stops thinking and sticks his index finger inside his right nostril and leaves it there. Jesus shuts his eyes and concentrates. And then he wishes more than anything that all the freaks that run around overusing his name to death would just SHUT UP.

Explanation: Help your children to understand the wondrous sweeping nature of all the things that Jesus thinks about. Let them know that they can think of lots of things too...just like Jesus.


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